No Title For This One

As happy as I am to be back home and away from the pain, I have yet to be rid of the loneliness that still sometimes plagues me. I'm no longer depressed, and no longer cry each night wondering why someone would treat me so badly. Yet, I still feel so distanced from the world, as if none of it is real, and that I am going to wake up, and still be under his control.

I very much loath the dating scene. You know, meet a guy that you know nothing about, go to a movie, maybe dinner. And maybe they're cute, or maybe just mediocre. But at the end of the evening, it's constant chaos, if you like him, you want him to like you, but if you don't like him, you want to run away quickly without hurting his feelings. Far more stress than I prefer to endure.

I seem to be one of those that falls for the guy that she already knows, and has known for a while... Which, feels so much safer. You know, the ones that you fear will never see you in that potential. But at the same time, I was married to a guy that I thought I knew. Turns out, I didn't know him at all... Half the time, he had just been lying to me. Making me feel dumb when I had trusted him.

I guess I thought that maybe when I moved home, things would kinda be as if he was just erased from existence. But sadly, that is not the case... I have no regret leaving him. And in fact am very happy to be free of it.

But I do yearn for the connection. But not in the sense that I will run out and date just anyone. I do not want a "rebound guy." I suppose I will wait and see what happens. Even if it sometimes drives me insane, and makes me almost act on a gut feeling, until I talk myself out of it. It just is so difficult to not tell someone how I feel, sometimes in fear that tomorrow they won't be there anymore, and I don't want to miss the opportunity to tell someone how wonderful they are before it's too late...

So, if I've told you how great you are recently, I truly mean every word. And I don't want to lose you from my life. But I desire for you to be happy always, even if that means I am just an image on a shelf in the back of your mind.