How I really feel about it all.

As horrible as it may sound, I am actually relieved to be getting a divorce from Cary. It was so stressful to continue to love him with everything that was going on. From excessive spending, lying, being outright rude, laziness, and how he attracts messes. It was so hard to continue, and just say, "Well, it's okay." When it never should have been okay. No matter how much I tried, he didn't think that I was trying hard enough, so he shouldn't have to try at all. I admit, I probably could have been better, and I could have cleaned the kitty litter more often, and tried to be a little happier. But I did the best I could. When the bad began to outweigh the good by 10-1 I knew it wasn't a good marriage anymore.

It was the hardest thing, to say that I wanted a divorce, and it took a couple days for it to sink in, but then it was like this huge weight had been lifted off my chest, and I didn't have to worry anymore. I take care of myself, and he is still everything he was before. But now I don't have to be responsible for him.

And even after all the times that he has made me cry, look stupid, and made me wish he was gay, because it would have made ending the marriage a LOT easier. I'm still a hopeless romantic. I think about eventually finding someone who does treat me right. I don't understand it. Because so many people are bitter after this sort of thing. Yes, I'm bitter with Cary for not caring. But I look forward to the future and being able to have a silly crush on someone.

I know I'm making the right decision, moving back to utah and all. I just wish that it hadn't taken me so long to realize that the decision was inevitable.

Well, I guess that's it for my first blog of the return of Jill!